HOARDING - Am I a Hoarder?

(Written 9-20-14)

Watching a show called ‘Hoarders’… makes me begin to wonder – am I a hoarder?  This woman, named Carol, has boxes and bags full of paperwork that she can’t let go of – my stacks aren’t as deep; and they are mostly for purposes of my writing (for the day I have nothing else that has to be done and I can focus on all the books I have planned).  I figure I’ll sit down and go through my piles of papers, notebooks, calendars and random pages that I have scribbled down notes on and it will remind me of all the books I have set in my mind to write one day.  So there is a method to my madness.  Anything that I am going to need in the future, either for writing, or so I don’t get audited or that is proof of something; my income, social security, food stamps, Medicaid… and special events, like my leg being amputated by my horse (story for another day) or the birth of a child – and, of course, scrapbook stuff; I have files and files full of scrapbook stuff for the kids and myself.  Is that hoarding??  Memories I don’t want to let go of.  Not that I would ever completely forget, but with so much to remember, it is hard to pull it all back out of the brain without something to trigger the recall.  When I go through my file cabinets, it brings back so much of my lifetime… and I love remembering.  It would be devastating to me to have that stuff disappear.  Carol has a lot of paperwork from lawsuits she has been in; I, myself, have three sets of divorce papers, and paperwork deriving from that, including the adoption of my oldest son by my second husband. 

Now, my son is thirty-one years old.  I suppose I could probably let go of these papers.  But why?  What are they hurting?  They are in my file cabinet, a pretty wooden file cabinet that stands about three feet high and sits in a tiny spot in my living room.  The huge cherry wood corner desk my mom gave me years ago takes up most the space in there, but I’m not about to get rid of that.  It is a gorgeous piece of furniture, high-class, and I will use it when that day comes that I can spend days on end working on my writing in an office of my own.  However, next to that, are bookcases and an entertainment center my third husband and I built – heavy and strong – except that it’s now falling apart a little bit, leaning to one side and pulling on the seams of the shelves because it’s been moved around so much, since I can’t seem to stay in one place for more than a few years at a time.  If life would ever stop pushing me here and there, I’d be relieved… anyway, all the shelves are packed with clothing that I don’t really want to just get rid of.  Things I do like to wear once in a while, but just don’t have a lot of opportunity to because they are really more for going out places; and I don’t go out to a lot of places often at all.  Just don’t particularly enjoy being amongst a lot of hubbub and noise, and people in general.

Outside, we have a lot of stuff… my old Suburban, not running, that I hope to fix up some day and stacks of wood and wooden pallets for use for fencing or whatever.  We have yard tools and construction tools, my horse trailer, etc.  It looks like a lot of junk, but it all has a purpose and we do our best to keep it all organized for the most part.

Ok, so maybe I am a hoarder… I also have stacks and stacks and a few boxes and bags of material.  Yes, just material.  Because I also hope to have time one day, when I don’t feel like working on my books, to do some sewing projects; cane covers, for one thing, that I could probably sell like crazy (if I can ever get them made), and doll bedding and clothing for dolls – or dogs – and purses and pillows. I don’t know.  There are so many things that I have thought of that I would like to create someday… some day.  And in the meantime, the material stacks up; I have quite a bit in my laundry room and one small cabinet in here that is full of nothing but scrap material and old clothes whose material I like, in particular, and might find another use for (a purse or throw pillow, for example).  My mind’s reasoning is that I could sell those things one day, and make money, so to me, it’s like an investment – but I’m sure others just see it as clutter.  In my bedroom closet right now I see several nice jackets that I may never wear again; but then, I may, if I ever go back to work in a business office or have to go to court for some reason.  And there is also several items of clothing that belonged to my sister, who died almost twenty years ago now; I just like looking at them.  I rarely ever put them on because they are fancy dresses, and some are costumes for Halloween (an extremely detailed Snow White dress, a poodle skirt, and a ‘flappers’ dress from the 50’s)… but they were hers, crafted by her hands and they mean a lot to me.  So I would never consider them to be clutter. 

I do have a lot of clothes, even of the ones that I wear all the time, I have more than I NEED… but I like them all, so I cycle through them.  The shelves in the back of my closet hold about half of my stuff sometimes I switch things out; and then, of course, there’s the Winter clothing which is stored away while my Summer items are up front and visa versa.  I like to think I have a pretty good system going there.  Is that hoarding?

I’m not sure how to look at this.  Ok, my house is not as bad as Carol’s; she has a skinny pathway leading through her living room because of the boxes that are stacked on boxes to the ceiling on each side, packed tightly from the walkway to the wall.  I have a pretty skinny pathway leading through my living room, but it’s because of the desk I mentioned above and my full-harp piano (which is antique and VERY valuable) and my bookcases and entertainment center and the couches, which we just really don’t have enough room for.  I know it’s funny to say that we just don’t have enough room for a couch, but at this moment in time, it is true.  And all the other items are more important to me than a couch.

One day, I will have a place for everything.  One day, I will be more organized; I love being organized… and I think I do pretty well, considering.  Alright, I wish I had a better system for the papers I currently have to be dealing with – the bills that have to be paid every month, which I feel like I need to have staring me in the face until they are paid; and the letters from social security reminding me of an upcoming appointment, or letters that I need to respond to (which is a whole ‘nother story)… and my notebook, of course, which I have to keep near me for taking down thoughts, or notes of things I have to do. I’m the world’s best procrastinator, although I know I need to take care of these things; so they sit by my lap desk on my bed, and get scattered about and I’m constantly re-stacking them, until I can file them or throw them away.  Haven’t yet thought of a better way because if they aren’t right here in front of me, I will forget to take care of the issue.

So that’s my life, in a nutshell.  I guess I am a little bit of a hoarder – but when that day comes that I am able to see my vision to completion, and there is a place for everything, I will be happy that I still have it all.  Carol needed help.  There was a lot of garbage among her boxes as well, and her kitchen was just filthy… stuff stacked in front of the stove so she couldn’t even use her oven any more.  But as they were going through her boxes and she grabbed a calendar, saying “this is a journal – I written stuff in here”, it made me think.  I’ve done that.  But at least I don’t have garbage laying around.  I am constantly cleaning, and throwing out stuff, burning what can be burned and taking to the curb what can’t.  People may see clutter when they walk in my house, but most everything here is valuable to me and it’s not garbage; I do believe in cleaning before it gets to the point of filth.  I don’t consider myself a hoarder… how about you?